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12 things that will survive Armageddon

Disaster proof

Doom-mongers say the world will end on 21 December. Here are 12 thingsMHpredicts we’ll find in the rubble.

1: Conspiracy Theories

The impending rapture has thrown up so many that there are bound to be a few survivors swirling around in the dust. Either that or they will all coagulate into one giant “Told you so”.

2: Test match special

Our inclement climate has left its presenters as experts in talking about nothing at all. Who better to describe the stillness in the moments after the apocalypse?

3: James Cameron's taste for a spectacle

He’s probably arranged the whole thing, with a ring of cameras around the Earth to capture the moment.

4: Piers Morgan"s career

A disaster-proof halo of smarm, the resilience of which will leave it somewhere swirling around the nebula, wringing crocodile tears from dark matter.

5: The rubber duck

He’s survived shipwrecks and war, and waved off several generations of games consoles – all with a smile on his face. In terms of longevity, the cockroach is duckie’s bitch.

6: NASA's Voyager 1 spacecraft

Eleven billion miles from home, the space probe is sailing boldly into the abyss with a time capsule full of ’70s tat. It’s rumoured to be a ruse to persuade any lairy aliens that invading us would be as worthwhile as gatecrashingAbigail’s Party.

7: The Greek bailout

Angela Merkel’s haunted look as she’s dragged into another summit is due to the realisation that even the end of the human race won’t solve Greece’s cash flow problems. Plus they’ve probably borrowed money off aliens at some juncture.

8: The hair of Peter Stringfellow

Defying changes of fashion, gravity and all established precepts of good taste, it seems destined to be the standard-bearer for some “next-phase shit”.

9: Madonna's raunch

Nothing seems to stop La Ciccone from fetching up in ever more far-flung stadia done up like Miss Havisham channelling Rihanna. Somewhere on an icy moon of Saturn, a leathery boob will be flashed as twilight’s glow fades forever.

10: Professor Brian Cox's wonderment

To be fair, the end of the world is an event that would fully justify the good prof’s default setting of 15-year- old who’s just done ’shrooms in the Arndale Centre. And thanks to him we’d actually understand exactly what was happening – which might not be a great thing.






Video: 10 Apocalypses That We Survived

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Date: 04.12.2018, 23:00 / Views: 53142